HISS!!!  Who’s there?

I hear you.  If you want to keep your nose, you’re going to show yourself.

Mrrrr!  There you are.  Let me get a good look at you.

Look, it’s the newbie.  You screwed up the last heist, so you’re going to have to make up for it, capiche?

Hey, you didn’t pick up a tail, did you?

Wait… meow?  You did NOT just make that joke.

Yes, all cats have tails.  Meow meow.  Very funny.

Okay, look, you’re not going to cut into my nap time, newbie.

I’m gonna tell you what’s going down, and what you’re gonna do.

So lean in, and listen real good, because I’m only going to say this once.

There’s a treat that I want.  A catnip flavored treat.

Let’s just say a little bug told me.  One that I decided not to squish.

Usually treats are in a bag, in a closed cabinet, but they left one out, and I’m gonna eat it.

Purr!  When I get my paws on that treat…

I’m gonna grab it like this, see?

Then I’m gonna get it real close to my chompers and…

I’m gonna CHOMP the thing!  Like this!

CHOMP!  Then I’m gonna make the treat suffer!

Rrrrrr! And then, if the treat don’t have the good sense to get eaten…

I’m gonna snap the treat’s tiny little neck!  ROOWWWRRR!!!!

The treat will be mine!  All mine!

I can have any treat I want!  They can’t stop me from having treats!  ROAR!!!

So I hope, by now, it sunk into that human brain of yours, that I will have this treat.

Meet me at the other end of this table in three hours.  You’re not much of a cat burglar, so you’re going to be the lookout.  I’ll swipe the goods.

Hmm, wait, I think I heard a noise.

No, it’s coming from that door you walked in from.

Oh no!  It’s a tail!  Those humans are back!

You gotta leave now!  Don’t make me say it twice!  Scram!

No, no!  The back way!  Make sure you’re not followed next time!

They turned the lights on!  I’m going to lay low and pretend to sleep until the coast is clear.

Now get going, and I’ll see you later!

*fake snore*

(Later that night)

Zzzzzzzz… rrrrr!

Hey, is that my lookout?

I see you had the sense to show up.  Good.  We don’t got no catnap time.

At least for now.  See that kitchen over there?

Okay, I’m gonna check out that table.  You keep a watch at the two exits, and use those omni-directional ears of yours too.

The coast seems clear.  Hopefully the treat will be where it’s supposed to be.  Otherwise, I’ll find that bug and squish it.

Okay, let’s get moving.

Am I speaking in cat to you?  MEOW!  Let’s GO!!

Yes, this is the right table.

Now watch a master in action.  *pounce*

*ninja silence*

And let’s see what we have here…

Hiss!!!  Where is my treat?

Purrr… so I’m gonna get to squish the bug after all.

But wait.  I think I see the treat!  It’s on the scratching post!

They left the light on, so we have to move fast.

I MUST have that TREAT!

Okay, this is the scratching post.  So high!  Keep a look out while I investigate!

*jump*

There it is!

Must reach top!  RRRRRR!

I can reach the treat!  Chompchompchompchomp.

Chompchompchompchomp.

Finally, the treat is in my belly.

Just a moment to digest.

And… done.

MEOW!!!  The treat was SO GOOD!!!

PURRRR!!!!  Okay, let’s get back to the table.

Phew.

Purrpurrpurrr…. What a night, but it was so worth it.  I’m pooped.  Carry me back to my keyboard box please.

Purrrrpurr!  So cozy.  You did good today.  I’ll cut you in for some of the treat next time.

Now I need to sleep.  Because that’s what cats do when they’re not eating treats.

Purrrpurrpurrr…. ZZZZZZzzzzzzz…..

And now for Luna’s end of post commentary:

Hope you enjoyed working for me!  Today’s shout-outs go to:

h4rrish4wk, for being the first commenter on my website and ultra-supportive on my new posts so far.  Love you!

Anya Deason, for acknowledging the work that goes into posing for all these crazy pictures, and yeah, Scott’s photography too.

Dan Holliday and all others who cheat on their pets by reading my website.  Just be up-front with your pets and it’ll be fine!

Ellen Vrana, of awesome blog, The Runcible Goose, for continuing to support me, also promoting my latest story on Facebook.

David Kahana, for joining me in talking smack about the Maniacal Carrot.

Meow!