A fellow internet user was taking care of his neighbor’s cats, who in turn hiss at and hide from him.  He asks why cats exist at all.

What do you mean, “Why do cats exist?!”

What a presumptuous little question!  While we’re asking questions, maybe I should ask your mother what her big idea was when she gave birth!

You know, long ago, this question would have been considered heresy…

We cats were worshipped, as far back as the ancient Egyptians.  They erected sculptures in our image and bowed before us, burying us in their sacred tombs as we entered the afterlife.

This was my greatgreatgreatgreatgreat…etcetc…grandma.

Did anyone build a statue to honor your granny?  No?

Look, we’re all on the same planet.  We have our personalities.  Maybe you don’t like how cats behave toward you.  Thanks for taking care of a couple of us, but, you’re not paying us to do frickin’ circus acts for you.  It’s a favor to your neighbor.  If it were just the cats living there, on the curb, you wouldn’t lift your tiniest finger for us, and we know that.

Trust me, we treat our owners just fine, and that’s why they love us.  We’re especially affectionate when we want food.  Our food supply is very important to us, so at feeding time, we go all out with the cuteness and the purrs, believe you me.

But I see you’re wondering.  Hey!  I have an idea.

I’m gonna give you a little taste of what it’s like to have a cat yourself.  I’ll let you experience the cuteness, just this once.

Do you see my ultra-furry chin?  See the irresistibly soft fur I’ve got there?  Okay, get to work, you.  Gentle rubs only.  Up and down, and in small circular motions.

*PURR!*  Isn’t it luxurious?  The softest, coziest fur you’ve ever experienced? *PURR!* *PURR!!* Do you crave to touch… to caress that warm, ultra-soft, glorious chin fur?

*PURRPURRPURRRRR!!!*

Okay, enough.  Oh yeah… that was good.  You have potential, human.

You would have done well in the days of the Egyptian empire.  But it gets even better.  If you truly win a cat’s trust, you can experience absolute heaven on earth — what humans have pined for since the dawn of recorded history.  If you owned a cat, and the cat absolutely loved you… (as in you feed and play with the cat) … then you can one day experience, the cat belly.

Oh, that was a good chin rub.  *purr*  I’m feeling sleepy.

Thanks so much for the chin rub.  It’s been a couple hours since I had a good chin rub.  I’m going to nap for another four hours, if you don’t mind.  Good job on that chin rub. *purr* *snore*

Attribution:

Image of cat sculpture by Einsamer Schütze (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons